Voice is Non-Negotiable

During this fall season with Thanksgiving and Halloween events abound, there are several small scarecrows decorating the local community. It had me thinking that life might be easier, if people were simply made of straw. The inability to express challenging points of view might bring along with it a sense of peace and calm albeit in a falsely muted way.

Unlike any other time in recent history, it feels as though female voices are particularly absent from public discourse. As a junior-senior, I have noticed the rise and fall of gender based issues, especially more traditional feminist perspectives that worked tirelessly to advance the talents, wisdom and contributions of women in the workplace, economy, and elected office.

It has always been hard for professional women to be considered feminist when fights for equality in voice and deed were lumped in with important reproductive health rights like birth control. How did a woman identified as Catholic or religious ever espouse to be a feminist at the same time? Having room to participate without fully buying in on every aspect of a position is in my view an experience of personal freedom. I agree with some aspects of feminism, but not all.

In current times, it feels as though many social movements have silenced voices due in part to increasingly black-and-white discourses that inadvertently limit spaces for real inclusion and diversity of thought. The room for thinking differently was always a feature of social movements that try to speak with one voice. We seem to understand collectively that some level of disagreement was healthy and perhaps the key to advancing social movements and keeping them alive. How did women ever feel included in the feminist movement while also believing in the sanctity of human life from the moment of conception at the same time? As a woman of faith, I never felt fully represented by the feminist movement, yet I would confidently identify as a feminist.

In Indigenous discourses human babies are referred to beautifully as “sacred bundles” that were clearly expressed when challenging our government’s historical practice of forced sterilisation. Our national history around forced sterilisation is quite horrific if you are interested in learning about examples of real oppression in a Canadian context. It is important to look back at our own national history to remember how far governments can go when left without interference by the people on the ground. Our voices remain the most powerful tool to advance change and to protect what we already have.

There are multiple perspectives and voices that represent Canadian values, not just one. Newcomers often express values in session with me that reflect cultural and religious beliefs that differ from secular views that dominate Canadian perspectives at this time. They, like my younger me, are learning to occupy public spaces freely and safely exploring, questioning, and expressing differences of opinion.

At times, my work as a therapist is to encourage women to safely challenge what they experience as oppressive cultural or familial practices that silence them. Women continue to need safe spaces to think about the reasons they are feeling so unwell. Finding a counselling professional who fosters a sense of trust and safety allows women to identify and analyze family and cultural dynamics that disempower them. Despite the progress of modern times, this work with women remains both sensitive and relevant.

The idea that modern society has advanced the rights of women has sadly fallen short of the feminist promise. The right of women to think freely and critically, to grow in ways that best reflect what they need, want and deserve, and to express differences of opinion without prejudice seems weakened.

Instead, women are encouraged to support a ridiculous list of claims around reproductive health, birth control, sex and sexuality, dating and consent, ethical non-monogamy, childbirth, parenting, and more. Themes of women’s issues remain the same as those of us post-60 years of age and older remember them to be. Each big issue for women has within it space for debate. The amount of disinformation is astounding despite educational advancement.

In my private practice , I am privileged to work with a diverse group of professional women seeking mental health support. These women are well educated, highly skilled, and hard-working, and often “ready” to take an honest look at family and cultural dynamics that are classically misogynistic and clearly oppressive for women specifically.

Making personal decisions to separate and divorce is never easy, and can be especially complicated when women are saddled with cultural narratives used to keep them in unhappy and at times emotionally or physically abusive marriages.

Seems we have not really come that far after all, baby!

I am not sure how millennial women will course correct the unfortunate neglect of issues women face who feel it is simply unsafe to speak up. The feminist movement was built upon the fundamental principle that we were there to support, protect, empower and advance one another.

When I tune in to listen to women, I hear the elders speaking out like Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Oprah, and Margaret Atwood. I rarely hear intelligent younger women talking about their issues beyond health and wellness topics like perimenopause, protein consumption, ageing well, and the like. Social discourses that take on the hardcore issues like naming the societal, familial, and economical factors of our times that create the experience of far too many women at home & in the workplace to conclude “I think you like it best when I hold back on what I really want to say and think” are muted.

When you next walk past a decorative scarecrow, I hope you take a moment to reflect on how what you do silences the plight of women who simply wish to live freely and without judgement for their choices. How might you work to empower people to speak up safely on matters of importance to them, and without social repercussions like job loss or social exclusion. In my opinion, your voice is one of the few precious non-negotiable aspects of humanity that we possess. Losing voice is always too high a cost to pay for having a different point of view.

Enjoy your October!

Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD, RSW

Is there room at your picnic table for one more?

One of the many benefits that happens naturally when raised in a larger than average family is an implicit sense of inclusion and inclusive behaviours. During post-war Toronto, it was somewhat common for working class families to have many children. There are many sociological explanations for the average size of families in those days related to immigration patterns, staunch religious beliefs, and Canadian values of the time. Immigrating to Toronto was “no picnic” for most post-war European newcomers, especially for those people whose language was something other than English. There are several generations of Torontonians raised during this period, and many of whom like me continue to live in this city.

Recently the mayor of the city announced that within the next few years, one in five Torontonians will be over the age of sixty-fives years old making up twenty percent of the city’s population. This is an amazing resource of people with a true sense of history and commitment to all those aspects that make Toronto work so well. For those of you reading this blog, you are likely familiar with Toronto’s Diversity and probably embrace it. Sure, it is an expensive city, so continuing to live here post-retirement reflects your choice to stay.

The city’s immense diversity is an authentic point of pride for those of us who “love” Toronto. There are many communities associated with particular socio-cultural groups whose migration histories are reflected in these familiar spaces. In Toronto, diversity is more than an idea or concept, it reveals itself in real ways in real spaces. Depending on where you live, shop, attend school, work or play, you are surrounded by so many options to buy merchandise, eat foods, learn more about or engage in theatre or entertainment from around the globe. This city diversified a long time ago, and newcomers continue to benefit from the welcoming encouragement we give to one another for trying to settle locally.

As Toronto copes with massive amounts of snow this winter, and extremely cold temperatures, most of us know and believe that a healthy thawing is just around the corner. Soon, the grass will return to a darker shade of green, the trees will once again bloom with buds, blossoms, and leaves reminding us that life has been here all the while. The warmer temperatures and longer days will beckon us to return to the great outdoors. Often referred to as a city within a forest, Toronto has so many amazing parklands in almost every community to enjoy with family, neighbours, and friends. Soon, you will once again run into and meet up with strangers, acquaintances, and neighbours.

You will have the opportunity to take note of the people who share this city space with you and more importantly to convey a sense of genuine warmth and care to them as fellow citizens. Of course, there are people who walk on the wrong side of the street, cut in front of you while you are minding your own business, privilege their dog’s comfort over your own, and annoy you in other ways as well. These gentle provocations may serve to remind you about your personal freedoms and the role of dissenters in ensuring there is room in society for difference. For example, there are countries in the world where people are suppose to walk within lines on the sidewalks painted by the government, and it seemed to me that no one veered off the painted pathway. I wondered then what might happen if I walked outside those lines, but did not dare as I was a visitor.

Shockingly, the term “fascism” has been reintroduced into everyday parlance. Some people speak about workplace environments and managers as “fascists” drawing on examples that fail to leave room for worker accountability. In this light, it was surprising to hear people complain about changes in the workplace when some people were in the habit of regularly defying the rules. A simple example of this was the automation of staff cards that opened doors to a workplace and provided a time-stamped record of begin and end of day activities. For individuals who arrived at work early or on-time, and also ended their day according to their contract, this new technology was not perceived as a “fascist” update. However, for those employees, some with legitimate reasons notwithstanding, who pushed the time limits of the work day, this type of technological advancement was interpreted as an attempt to control workers on the ground.

For those children, now seniors whose parents came to Canada from post-war Europe, the rise in fascism was in part the reason people set off for the new world. So, when people get in my way and interrupt my movement around the city, I reflect on what people are trying to convey and the reasons they feel it might be necessary for all of us to pause and think about what is going on beyond the city of Toronto.

Growing up in a relatively large newcomer family in Toronto, I do not find it challenging to welcome newcomers. In fact, I feel quite happy when I stroll along Taylor Creek Park or the beach and see so many families enjoying picnics together. Many newcomer families, like mine was, are large. The children play together joyfully while the adults chat and prepare food for everyone. There is a lot to learn about the new cultural heritages of the people who now also call Toronto home. It is an exciting time of hope and growth in the city and the new world. As you prepare for the kinder weather and you begin to think about sharing a picnic with friends or family, check in with yourself to see if you feel there might be room at your table for one more.

by Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD, RSW

“You made your bed, now lie in it”! Merry Christmas

There is an old adage that triggers many people the wrong way. Often misinterpreted as an expression of judgement, “you made your bed, now lie in it”, is a phrase that many of us fifty years plus heard our parents say. When used wisely, this 16th century French idiom was intended to heed a gentle warning about the consequences of personal decision-making and the reality that there are always impacts, intended or otherwise of choices we make on others. Latin-based languages generally embed a nuanced metaphoric flare in choice words, so there is no accident that the French centralized the bed and the bedroom in personal decision-making. The history of morality, which in essence is the ability to make good and right decisions for yourself and the people you love often focuses on human passions. It is not as difficult to make a personal decision when you are neutral or unaffected by the consequences. It is only when your own personal human passions have been ignited to engage in a behaviour that might have significant consequences on your life and future that your moral compass becomes aroused.

I am certain as I write today’s Christmas blog that many of you have raised your eyebrows and sighed at the mere mention of a moral compass. Many of you doubt that you have one, and some of you who have rejected “institutional religions” attest that morality is simply a way for large rich organized religions to control you. Used in this ironically and rejectingly righteous way, some of you have tried to silence your moral compass as an act of personal freedom. A more modern term used to describe your moral compass today is your “gut”, as in I had a gut feeling that this would cause a problem in my life.

There is an actual diagnostic category for moral injury. Gabor Mate’s book, When the body says no, builds on the bio-psycho-social-spiritual work of Van der Kolk’s seminal text on trauma, The body keeps the score. Both medically trained scientists describe ways that the human body, as much as your conscious mind will hold on to stress created by witnessing or engaging in activities that cause moral injury. This is a personal reaction that warrants your attention, as it may continue to cause harm unless otherwise treated with a trained mental health provider. The field of psychosomatic care has grown exponentially over this past decade.

As someone with close to forty years in the field providing direct mental health care, I never thought psychosomatic theories would renew. The body of work in psychosomatic theory had already been chastised mostly by women for victim-blaming. There have been generations of abused women suffering from hosts of psychosomatic illnesses viewed as mysterious or neurotic where symptoms were treated without ever addressing the problems of early childhood abuse, or domestic violence. I address this ethical dilemma in my clinical practice by using the term holistic care wherein your body is as important as your mind and spirit in understanding what is happening to you when triggered. It is critical that mental health providers have trauma-informed perspectives that gently, yet directly explores any early childhood abuse or present-day harm in a person’s life. It is truly a failure in care when clinicians misunderstand the root causes of distress.

I do have bias about the importance of human morality and the need for people to have a deep and clear relationship with their own moral compass. Your sense of morality, that is your desire to do the right thing is not only motivated and shaped by religion. It is also shaped by social norms, culture, and socioeconomic class. I do privilege the perspective that your relationship with your moral compass is created in your early childhood when protective and nurturing adults impose limits on what you might like to do, mostly based on risk of harm to self and others. When nurtured lovingly, early childhood is the time humans learn to be careful with the self and others, and equally importantly, to make decisions that include the wellbeing of the other.

Here are some ways to reacquaint yourself with your own moral compass this holiday season:

Pay close attention to what triggers your sense of “right and wrong.” It might take some time to understand that this is your moral compass communicating to you.
Be mindful of the who, what, where, why and when you are feeling this sense of something being done correctly or not. It might be as simple as, the gift he gave was cheap or I can’t believe she made that homophobic remark.
Review events in your mind after celebrations have ended and ask yourself how you feel about your own conduct with family and friends. Did you over-indulge in food or drink or say something that you regret?
Stay present and accept your role in your family and friends noting that everyone’s moral compass is affected differently, and that it is not your job to act as a morality officer correcting every faux pas that we as humans generally do when we gather together.
Grow in comfort with your personal sense of morality and allow yourself to become attuned to what and how doing the right thing impacts your overall sense of self.

This year, some of my family have decided to celebrate Christmas in Rome. We will delight in the beauties of this ancient city, and enjoy all of the Italian food and comforts during our stay. We hope to see the new Pope Leo in St. Peter’s square on Christmas day, and honour what having a pope in Rome from the new world signifies globally. We look forward to exploring La Befana Market in the piazza Navona. We envision attending Christmas Eve Mass in a little less known church somewhere in the city, and quietly honouring the birth of a man, Jesus who we continue to believe is the son of God gifted to make humans and the world a better place.

Sincerest wishes for a peaceful Christmas and New Year,

Happy Holidays!

Lisa Romano-Dwyer PhD, RSW

Dr. Gabor Mate’s Website

Treating Trauma Website