God’s Reasons

The question of why bad things happen is a consistent one in counselling psychotherapy. Why’s are mostly triggered when rough things happen. When individuals experience exciting new events there is little less wonder as to the why. In general, people tend to think that they earned all the good that has happened in their lives. In this simplistic childlike approach to life, hard work generates success and rewarded successes increase success in turn. There is a naive assumption that life is fair and good, and that with a little bit of luck people can push themselves towards achieving their personal goals.

As a therapist-coach for pros, I have had the privilege to speak to so many successful people who have achieved many things in their lives that they set out to do. High performers and leaders tend to be perfectionists who work hard at ensuring their personal and professional successes. So, when life goes a little less than expected, it is often extremely challenging to individuals who have a long track record of achievement. Challenging events create schisms in this simplistic assumption that hard work is always rewarded.

The leadership literature in politics and business often highlights experiences of “failure ” as case examples of resilience, flexibility, and progress. The view seems to be that leaders rise through the challenges of failure in human character demonstrating what other people find most admirable during difficult times. It is these attributes that attract the general population who turn to people of strong character to take the lead and to lead them.

Strong leaders do not falter in their deep-seated sense of morality, values, and fairness during tough times. They continue to work hard for themselves and others consistently without losing critical attributes of human kindness, fairness, and inclusivity. It is how leaders respond and react to failure that sets them apart from others. There is always a decision involved in choosing who people want to lead them. In the workplace, you may not turn to your boss as your leader, but a colleague or peer whose work ethic and professional style aligns better with your own. This idea of “leading” from the middle or behind is a true phenomenon in the workplace, especially where good leadership is questionable or anemic. Turning to natural leaders among you can be a survival method that people rely on when working in environments that have promoted bad leaders.

When life takes a turn towards the difficult, people begin to wonder more deeply about the why and the bigger purpose of the failure or stop-gap in their otherwise successful track record. Why did I not get that sought after promotion at work but someone else from my team did? Why was my performance rating at work well below my expectations? Why did I get laid off from work? It can take a long time to reconcile decisions in the workplace that create deep injuries in truly high quality workers. Moral injuries in the workplace are real, and these happen when decisions are made that run contrary to what the majority and perhaps even science views to be wrong or unfair.

An easy example of moral injury is the complete bastardization and misunderstanding of the intelligence quotient (IQ) in education. I personally witnessed my esteemed colleagues in cognitive psychology come under attack for their work to explain the validity and reliability of certain tests used in assessing children in public education. It was truly a sad day when the science behind assessment was dismissed as erroneous even after critical updates had been made to ensure that cultural and racial factors were addressed. Despite the opinions of the learned, policies and practices were changed to respond to angry parents who believed suspiciously in a systematic agenda to hold certain students behind at school.

In the personal sphere, “whys” are often triggered by unexpected tragic life events that happen. Questions like, why did my spouse stop loving me? Why did I suffer another miscarriage? Why did I have a heart attack or get cancer? Why did my partner die so young? Faced with personal tragedies, people often question themselves, the people in their lives, and at times, the very reasons God might have allowed these things to happen. Wanting to know the “reasons” for human suffering is part of the healing journey for individuals with a faith in God, and for whom spirituality is important. There seems to be a desire to understand why a loving God would allow human suffering to happen at all, and question the providential wisdom in growth through suffering or pain.

Much like childbirth itself, human life is physically, emotionally, or mentally painful some of the time. As a therapist, I think a spiritual examination is an important aspect to explore in your journey of healing. There are likely events in your personal life that have disrupted your plans or dreams, and that created a list “whys” for yourself. Your spiritual reflections may in fact deepen your faith in God, and help you to better understand your own purpose in this world, and how you and every single person has the potential to make this world a better place.

As Bell stated, when one door closes, another one opens. Developing a growth mindset for life can include a posture of acceptance of God’s reasons for hardship in your life, reasons that you may never really fully understand, but do propel you to move in new directions. The key in life is to keep on learning, growing and creating a trajectory of living that makes you and your loved ones happy and healthy. By asking yourself, how did I help to make the world a better place each day, you might gain a deeper clarity on your role and purpose in life.

Do. Think. Feel Well.

by Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD, RSW

Grecian Inspired Leadership: People & Places

I recently toured Greece and was amazed by the natural beauty of the people and places visited there. The islands were full of awe inspiring evidences of human ingenuity and resilience created over centuries. Like many mountainous regions in Europe, the Greek peoples built their homesteads and villages on towering island mountain tops adjacent to steep cliffs and the rugged shores of the Aegean Sea. A truly incredible fact given the lack of advanced machinery or tools of the time.

It was not difficult to understand how the geography of Greece shaped the imaginations of the various philosophers, poets, and myth makers. The coastlines were scattered with hundreds of islands some populated and others wild. The story of the Odyssey came to life as I travelled by ferry from Athens to Mykonos.

The natural beauty of the place seemed to lull everyone into a calm and pleasant demeanor that fostered a climate where the imagination was lured with ease. There is no wonder how the rich body of Greek philosophy and mythology grew there.

The Ancients knew that people inhabited the different islands and that although separate, they had a lot in common and reasons to connect. It is in this unique place, where peoples separated by land and sea gave birth to democracy. Ancient Greeks created a system where people (demos) gathered to vote on matters of importance or power (kratos). Of course, ancient democracy was very different from modern democratic societies, but the fact that the Ancients understood the importance of sharing power with one another as a means to peaceful negotiation and cooperation was in part likely due to the many challenges created by their local geography.

During my time in Greece, I found myself reflecting on themes related to leadership, and how badly democratic societies and systems have suffered under bad leadership.

Since 2020, I have listened to twenty-two audiobooks on the topic of “leadership”. Most of these books were written by American authors with specific interests in executive leadership, workplace productivity, and the business of turning a profit.

For someone who had spent the better part of my adult life in public sector work, this new field of corporate leadership was truly fascinating. I was able to relate to the importance of leadership in workplaces where quality service provision was the primary goal.

Authors like Shoemaker, Cloud, Pendleton, Willink, Mattone, Maxwell, Izzo, Tracy, Smart, Scott, and Sanberg provide a variety of supportive insights into building successful teams, identifying key performance indicators, growing healthy communicators, inclusive offices, and clear processes that foster corporate success.

Executive Leadership literature integrates a lot of lived experiences, imagery and storytelling to elucidate leadership that works! I have come to learn there are many models of leadership and a variety of methods to grow leaders in the workplace. Some Americans authors who previously served in the army use a militaristic approach to leadership. They stress combative approaches to getting things done and use examples from war to demonstrate their point of view.

Other authors like Shoemaker and Maxwell centralize leadership attributes and processes in workplace success. They humanize corporations and give space and grace for aspects like purpose, integrity, and relationships in successful leaders.

I wonder about our current world of work where attaining success is viewed as a combat sport rather than an Odyssey of personal and professional achievements that deepen over a career-span.

Becoming a “subject matter expert” is not something that happens quickly. Instead, in my view, it is a journey of growth and adventure that involves an incremental mastery of skills, contacts, and knowledge that enhances how and what you do to meet your professional goals.

Good Leaders grow experts and enjoy doing it! They do not stifle, tackle, hold back, suffocate, silence, or intentionally abuse or hurt people at work. Good Leaders foster climates of growth, care, decency, and open communication. They take time to listen to ideas, encourage and strengthen profitable ones, and give credit and praise where it is due. They do not steal the ideas of others, fail to acknowledge the hard work of people on their team, or unduly punish people for exercising their personal agency to do the right thing even where this falls short of workplace expectations.

In my own experience, I recall receiving a five day suspension without pay for not requesting permission in advance to attend a professional conference and to put my name forward to serve on a popular safe schools community based organization.

I was serving as the Chief of Service for a large urban school board at that time managing a fifty plus department of master level social workers. I was never advised to seek permission to attend this conference in advance and there was no process to appeal this “suspension”. It was one of the only times in my professional career, where there was no way to “talk” this through.

As a clinical social worker, this loss of voice and process was truly traumatic to me. I was not asked to sign a Non-disclosure agreement (NDA), and I have not received this loss of this income in return.

I am now able to look back at this horrendous event as an example of bad leadership. Sadly, there are many directors of education in Ontario who may have histories of excellent teaching, but truly are bad leaders. Most do the best they can, but in truth they are not suited to lead such diverse groups of professionals.

There are many professional groups that work in education, and teachers have no idea about the work others do in the system. For the two years that I served as Chief Social Worker, I was never once asked to render a formal professional opinion despite years of direct service with students and families. I remain unclear to this day what the role of a Chief of Service is when never engaged.

Renewing Grecian Inspired Leadership today would require a retrospective look back to perhaps a more simple notion of democracy as developed by the Ancients. This revived sense of democratic leadership would foster healthy forums to “talk” through differences of opinions before taking the power to decide back to the people in the form of a vote.

In a corporate context, democratic leadership would also foster honest and open check-ins with team members aiming to build buy-in, cooperation, and consensus. Teams that feel heard will be more likely to share openly and grow best ideas together.

A Grecian Inspired Leadership is founded on the belief that human imagination when allowed to roam freely will create the space to innovate, build, and grow in ways that may inspire for generations to come!

I think it’s time to re-imagine democratic leadership.

What do you think?

By: Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD, RSW Founder, Lakeside Wellness Therapy Affiliates

Is there room at your picnic table for one more?

One of the many benefits that happens naturally when raised in a larger than average family is an implicit sense of inclusion and inclusive behaviours. During post-war Toronto, it was somewhat common for working class families to have many children. There are many sociological explanations for the average size of families in those days related to immigration patterns, staunch religious beliefs, and Canadian values of the time. Immigrating to Toronto was “no picnic” for most post-war European newcomers, especially for those people whose language was something other than English. There are several generations of Torontonians raised during this period, and many of whom like me continue to live in this city.

Recently the mayor of the city announced that within the next few years, one in five Torontonians will be over the age of sixty-fives years old making up twenty percent of the city’s population. This is an amazing resource of people with a true sense of history and commitment to all those aspects that make Toronto work so well. For those of you reading this blog, you are likely familiar with Toronto’s Diversity and probably embrace it. Sure, it is an expensive city, so continuing to live here post-retirement reflects your choice to stay.

The city’s immense diversity is an authentic point of pride for those of us who “love” Toronto. There are many communities associated with particular socio-cultural groups whose migration histories are reflected in these familiar spaces. In Toronto, diversity is more than an idea or concept, it reveals itself in real ways in real spaces. Depending on where you live, shop, attend school, work or play, you are surrounded by so many options to buy merchandise, eat foods, learn more about or engage in theatre or entertainment from around the globe. This city diversified a long time ago, and newcomers continue to benefit from the welcoming encouragement we give to one another for trying to settle locally.

As Toronto copes with massive amounts of snow this winter, and extremely cold temperatures, most of us know and believe that a healthy thawing is just around the corner. Soon, the grass will return to a darker shade of green, the trees will once again bloom with buds, blossoms, and leaves reminding us that life has been here all the while. The warmer temperatures and longer days will beckon us to return to the great outdoors. Often referred to as a city within a forest, Toronto has so many amazing parklands in almost every community to enjoy with family, neighbours, and friends. Soon, you will once again run into and meet up with strangers, acquaintances, and neighbours.

You will have the opportunity to take note of the people who share this city space with you and more importantly to convey a sense of genuine warmth and care to them as fellow citizens. Of course, there are people who walk on the wrong side of the street, cut in front of you while you are minding your own business, privilege their dog’s comfort over your own, and annoy you in other ways as well. These gentle provocations may serve to remind you about your personal freedoms and the role of dissenters in ensuring there is room in society for difference. For example, there are countries in the world where people are suppose to walk within lines on the sidewalks painted by the government, and it seemed to me that no one veered off the painted pathway. I wondered then what might happen if I walked outside those lines, but did not dare as I was a visitor.

Shockingly, the term “fascism” has been reintroduced into everyday parlance. Some people speak about workplace environments and managers as “fascists” drawing on examples that fail to leave room for worker accountability. In this light, it was surprising to hear people complain about changes in the workplace when some people were in the habit of regularly defying the rules. A simple example of this was the automation of staff cards that opened doors to a workplace and provided a time-stamped record of begin and end of day activities. For individuals who arrived at work early or on-time, and also ended their day according to their contract, this new technology was not perceived as a “fascist” update. However, for those employees, some with legitimate reasons notwithstanding, who pushed the time limits of the work day, this type of technological advancement was interpreted as an attempt to control workers on the ground.

For those children, now seniors whose parents came to Canada from post-war Europe, the rise in fascism was in part the reason people set off for the new world. So, when people get in my way and interrupt my movement around the city, I reflect on what people are trying to convey and the reasons they feel it might be necessary for all of us to pause and think about what is going on beyond the city of Toronto.

Growing up in a relatively large newcomer family in Toronto, I do not find it challenging to welcome newcomers. In fact, I feel quite happy when I stroll along Taylor Creek Park or the beach and see so many families enjoying picnics together. Many newcomer families, like mine was, are large. The children play together joyfully while the adults chat and prepare food for everyone. There is a lot to learn about the new cultural heritages of the people who now also call Toronto home. It is an exciting time of hope and growth in the city and the new world. As you prepare for the kinder weather and you begin to think about sharing a picnic with friends or family, check in with yourself to see if you feel there might be room at your table for one more.

by Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD, RSW