Is marriage a Sacred Bond?

All politics aside, marriage is a commitment between two people that requires nurturing, time, and care like no other. Often pushed to the edge of everyday living, it is quite miraculous when two people are able to remain together committed in and to marriage over the long term. What is the secret to a “happy” marriage many people ask? How is it possible that the two of you are still going along so well together – after all this time?

Of course as a therapist, I have firsthand experiences working with many people over the years who encounter serious and unexpected events in their marriages. Many times, perhaps too often, marriages do fall apart due to neglect, distraction, and perhaps, ingratitude. Mostly, marriages end when new relationships have been given permission to begin. In other words, people will often stay in very unhappy unions until they open their heart to another caring ear, wandering eye, or helping hand. Sadly, some relationships grow apart emotionally, physically and spiritually. It may feel easier to move forward with someone new instead of continuing to try with a partner who no longer meets your needs for love, affection, fun, personal growth, intellectual advancement, and sexual fulfillment.

There are many important dimensions to a happy and healthy marriage. These areas of personal wellness become increasingly apparent when married couples decide to have children together and to grow a family. The presence of children certainly changes things! Priorities, timelines, behaviours, sacrifices, everyday duties, and responsibilities grow and change in relation to the beautiful and blessed gift that children bring to married couples in love. Brought forth into this world through a healthy marital bed, children dramatically change the lives of couples in the most uplifting and happy ways. As two people age together, and have the blessed experience of becoming grandparents, the “tough” days seem irrelevant cast in the light of hope that new life promises to bring.

I am definitely not qualified to discern whether marriage is in fact a sacred union. But, when I meet two married people who demonstrate deep love, affection, and respect for one another – the glow of something more powerful and larger than even the couple can explain seems very real to me. There is no doubt in my mind that marriage is truly a sacred bond between two people in love. A bond so deep, powerful, and beautiful that it can last a lifetime. Deciding to hold a traditional marriage ceremony that seeks a holy blessing can only help in our world riddled with loneliness, sadness, and despair.

How do you congratulate newly married couples, parents, and grandparents? What are some of the important ways you deliberately nurture your marriage and honour the power of your holy union everyday? Do you think your marriage will last? What proof do you have? Make it your daily habit to remind yourself about how lucky you are to have a lifelong companion with whom you share laughter, joy, sex, and just ordinary stuff!

BE THINK AND DO WELLNESS

Healthy Touch

Resilient children grow into caring & compassionate adults softening hearts of stone.

This past May, I attended the Annual Roots of Empathy Symposium here in Toronto sponsored by Mary Gordon and her team of dedicated staff and volunteers https://rootsofempathy.org/2019symposium/. Mary’s work has a strong hold in most schools in the Greater Toronto Area, surrounding regions, and across Canada. She also has research affiliates in Ireland and the USA. Her work, career, and extraordinary dedication to children and early prevention strategies is inspiring. Having started a clinical social work career in early years services, I was very fortunate to learn theoretical and practical approaches to parenting that really work to grow healthy and resilient children over the long term. Dr. Clinton, Clinical Professor, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioural Neurosciences at McMaster University, division of Child Psychiatry reminded everyone about the essential nature of human touch and infant development.

Close to thirty years ago, the Hanen Approach was just beginning to reap the benefits of its piloted projects across this city. A unique blend of psychiatry, speech and language pathology, and social work, the Hanen Approach aimed to support healthy attachments between moms and babies. Research showed that a consistently caring and nurturing response style, eye contact, touching, and communication improved overall health and wellness in all children and adults, but especially in children with identified developmental delays in areas of speech, behaviour, and pretend & cooperative play http://integratedtreatmentservices.co.uk/our-approaches/speech-therapy-approaches/hanen-programme/.

Healthy human touch is essential and natural to human growth and emotional wellness. There are countless studies that reveal the negative impacts of significant caregiving relationships impoverished of human touch. People with histories of early trauma, emotional neglect, sexual, or physical abuse often develop problems with creating healthy boundaries in relation to personal body space. Some people may be overly vigilant and self-protective becoming touch adverse. Some people have loose boundaries standing too close to people waiting in line, rubbing a woman’s breast or a man’s bottom while standing or sitting next to them on public transit, or touching someone’s arm, baby-bump, or face without permission for example. There are social and cultural norms as well as professional training that shape how, when, why, and where people engage in human touch. The key here is speaking up honestly when you feel uncomfortable about someone’s unwanted touch.

More research is being explored about the prescribed use of touch therapy with patients suffering severe PTSD and other debilitating health conditions. It is imperative that clinicians feel comfortable with setting appropriate professional boundaries created with clients seeking counselling therapies from you. Clinical practice with children, adolescents, and adults do not require deliberate practices of human touch. There are other effective strategies such as voice tone, eye contact, and humour that help to reassure and co-regulate human emotion as people talk and/or process feelings about experiences or situations with you. Referring clients to therapeutic massage is suggested for people you assess would benefit from healthy human touching in a clinical milieu.

#wellness #healing #health #hugs #parenting

Ending Painful Chapters

People often refer to personal experiences or stories, both as happy or painful “chapters” of one’s life. It helps to think about the past when friends, school associates, work life, or romantic partners were different. It is also helps to mine these memories for both happy and painful times, and to see what made this difference. Who or what helped you feel well or unwell for example.

The view that a chapter of one’s life may come to an end is very helpful to people undergoing significant changes in their own lives. An end to a marriage, longstanding romantic relationship, a professional career, or voluntary or community position are all very stressful each in their own way. People often seek the support of a clinical social worker, psychotherapist, or counsellor to help mitigate normative emotional disturbances caused when one chapter of life comes to an end. What or who played a disruptive or agitating role in your life? Are you able to identify a repetitive pattern or trend?

To me these transitional times between chapters where one chapter is closing and another begins is a nanometric space of personal change. Tasks of identity are dynamic and constantly growing over time from childhood to senior living. The idea that people grow and change over a lifetime is widely accepted, and perhaps even expected more now than ever. It used to be common to remain in the same profession, marriage, house, parish, community or country for years and years.

Using this literary metaphor in clinical counselling sessions creates a conceptual framework in which to contain, and process otherwise overwhelming, and at times, debilitating emotions. This is especially true when events occur beyond one’s control or in unexpected ways. Most people experience symptoms of depression and/or anxiety when marriages end due to infidelity or sudden death.

Knowing that everyone shares similar vulnerabilities is in and of itself healing. Knowing that there is a temporality or timeline for emotional disruptions caused by life is also healing. Believing that people are able to move on, grow from, and flourish after devastating events or unexpected change is a fundamental underpinning to all approaches of clinical social work and psychotherapy.

Processes of healing are not possible without the view that painful chapters come to end. Processes of healing begin when the human heart opens up to the unfolding of life in a new chapter. This new chapter of life usually involves some of the people, roles, places and interests from the past, and sometimes not. You will know who or what you wish to remain in your life by the way you feel, and only you know that. Be confident in your personal feelings and embrace what your own heart and intuition reveals to you.

What are some of the ways you help your clients identify health and wellbeing following devastating news or events? How do you confidently and deliberately support your clients to recognize their own growth and support them in cultivating and growing health in new and exciting ways? How do you validate insights into harmful people or messages from the past? What approaches do you use to empower clients to move through and beyond this pain? Do you fundamentally believe that your therapeutic interventions work? If not, what are you doing to improve your own conceptual and practical knowledge base and skills to ensure therapy people deserve?

#healing #wellness #growth #change #personal