Today in the Toronto Star newspaper, I was glad to read an article about one local school board’s decision to re-instate a system based on merit for acceptance into specific specialized programs. Some of the controversy dates back to 1987 when the “cutting edge” TOPS program was created at Marc Garneau high school in Toronto. The TOPS program was designed for children who showed great promise in math and science-based courses. Initially, students were accepted into the program if they had the “grades” to support their intellectual prowess, scientific curiosity, and community involvement. Over the years, there were many contestations about notions of elitism in education, particularly when it seemed that certain groups were excluded from participating in exclusive programs. In response to demands for equity and fairness, the board opened up specially designed programs to everyone and offered spots based on a lottery system. Suffice it to say, that today the board had to humbly announce that there has been a dramatic change in student engagement and participation in aspects of the program.

It has always been difficult for parents of bright, very bright, and gifted children to have the needs of their children recognized in local systems, mainly because their numbers are fewer. Most discourses related to neurodivergence seems to be exclusively used for people struggling to learn, behave, or socialize. Intellectual giftedness is also a neurodivergence that warrants deeper understanding at a pedagogical level. Super processors and problem solvers have unique sets of challenges that are created in systems of learning that fail to fully appreciate how smart people learn and need to learn individually and in groups. It would seem to me that supporting the needs of bright children would benefit our society as much as it does to support children who struggle to learn. Understanding “Giftedness” as Neurodivergence — Prism Advocacy

As a clinical social worker, I am growing weary of what seems to be the persistent exclusion of bright, very bright, and gifted children in child-based articles. Having close to thirty years of social work experiences in Elementary and Secondary Schools, I can attest to the growing attack on “intellectual quotient” in education. It is sad that most people continue to misunderstand valid and reliable measures of intellect, and the exceptional learning needs of children who grasp concepts quickly. There are individuals who learn things with great ease, and who can play with new information in truly innovative and creative ways.

Over the years, many concepts have been contested, and most with good cause. Particular populations had felt excluded from specialized programs designed for gifted students. Perhaps, the TOPS program example here in Toronto will jog our memories about the importance of ongoing quality assurance and evaluation methods implemented with regularity to ensure premature claims that systemic changes are effective. The lottery system was introduced to address complaints about equity and fairness as people began to generally fail to believe in the merits of students who had been successfully accepted into the program based on academic achievement. It seems to me that rule abiding students have suffered since the late ’80’s as well. In my experience, the majority of students are pleasant and compliant, even at post-secondary and community college levels. Students who work to submit their assignments on time, show up to class, and meet the behavioural expectations of the classroom, are somewhat taken for granted and overshadowed by the demanding needs of the “difficult” learner. The systemic obsession with the difficult learner has short changed children who simply do what is expected of them at school. It may have also snuffed out the creative spark of several gifted children who were not admitted to the TOPS program due to chance. We will never really know the full cost of this consequence to our city.

For the past seven years, I have been working with high achieving professionals and their families. High Achievers are generally interested and engaged in most areas of their lives. In general, they have a strong super-ego, and feel a sense of responsibility for others and projects that they oversee. High achievers are quick at identifying problems, and open to solutions that make sense. They are collaborative and creative, and typically appreciate counselling or coaching services that help them to gain clarity about less than great situations at work or home. Similar to bright, very bright, and gifted children, high achieving professionals with long track records of accomplishments have exceptional needs in the workplace that may also be overlooked by the demands of difficult colleagues whose incompetence or challenges arrest the attention of supervisors and managers. Work with high achievers is also highly rewarding as they grasp concepts very quickly, and mobilize into action and self-care without much fuss.

I also think that by restoring a place for merit-based perspectives and practices at school, people will reacquaint themselves with the value of a job well-done. The notion of merit means many different things, but to me it includes the idea that one has “earned” a grade, the job, an award, or a spot. It implies that an individual has put some effort into doing something that others also assess has been difficult or hard to do. There is a common “sense” or social cache to a job well done, especially when the problem to solve was quite challenging.

Re-creating space for a job well done holds the promise that people will once again be able to discern value and quality in performance, productivity, and outcomes. It may also restore the view that there is always a small group of people who are genuinely better at something than you might be. Its a tough pill to swallow, but one that is better learned young. Growing appreciation in the value of other people’s gifts, talents, and accomplishments inspires hope in the ability of people to freely choose wisely despite distracting challenges or chaos.

Do. Think. Feel Well.

Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD

There seems to be a throwback in zeitgeist to an earlier time where character trumped importance in all things. For the past decade, the rise in radical identity politics has taken its toll. It began as a call to revolute against the norm or mainstream and challenged all things traditional. Of course, the roots to this call for social change was fueled by years of neglect on issues fermented in what had traditionally been viewed as marginal spaces in society. It seemed that there was a flip in focus that geared governmental policy to address protecting individuals and groups who identified in ways that vulnerablizied them. This shift in focus seemed to cause societies at large to cast its collective view on attributes related to the who one is rather than on the what one does or has achieved. In my view, this shift was mobilized by social media and did impact everyone on a global scale.

In recent times schooling, hiring and even dating practices shifted as well. How an individual identified became more important in candidate searches than anything else. You are likely familiar with the check-box system currently used when applying for school, job, or a date. There is a list of questions that work to categorize candidates based on identifiers such as race, ethnicity, gender, previous relationships, preferences, languages spoken and more. Some platforms seek questions about income levels, and the number of members in a household as well. There are many types of programs that currently seek ways to “identify” your demographic data. Some questions on survey-type platforms such as your age, marital status, or religious affiliation are no longer legal in most professional hiring or student application interviews.

Nonetheless, more and more platforms have been created to weed out individual identifiers that are not preferred in a particular context by systems designed to filter data. Some dating applications allow users to create limited filter settings, which activate remaining potential matches that programs determine are best for you. Many of you have certainly had experiences whereby identifier-matching services got it completely wrong, overlooking individuals who are truly a better fit for you. Job hiring apps and platforms are similar, also offering user-directed filters to target particular candidates for jobs. Hearing mostly about the lived-experiences of dating-app users, it seems that this data-driven process is imperfect.

An idealistic perspective of human character would be difficult to identify on platforms for hire or dating. Most hiring screening programs rely on information such as years of experience, languages spoken, the number of degrees earned and more. An imaginary online recruitment checklist for character might include some evidentiary support of:

• Respecting people’s time
• Listening with care to what people have to say & contribute
• Understanding that people have bad days
• Honouring one’s personal limitations and boundaries
• Affirming unique contributions by offering verbal praise, rewards, & bonuses
• Doing what they say they would do
• Trusting people to help
• Celebrating personal and social successes with authenticity
• Engaging fairly in tasks designed for groups
• Being honest about setbacks and failures
• Completing assigned tasks
• Speaking up when someone is being mis-treated
• Helping those expressing a need for support

Character is typically assessed once you have made it through the online screening process, and you are meeting with people in a formal interview, or on a date. Many single people posting on dating apps express how “exhausting” this process has become for them. They have accepted however, that in order to really meet anyone in today’s society, you must have a dating profile on at least one reputable dating app. There are obvious dating app preferences and after a short while on them, people quickly discern whether this is the site where they might meet like-minded individuals or not. Some people use dating apps for sex and hook-ups, but most adults are actually interested in finding a more serious life-partner and soul-mate.

It might be a worthwhile exercise to reflect on the concept of “character” and what it means to you at home, in the workplace, and at play. Do you feel that your character is as important to your sense of self as your physical attributes? Do you think that the people closest to you stay close to you based on those all too familiar identifiers used to screen your suitability for school, job, or a date? Or, do you believe that perhaps people choose to be close to you because you are trustworthy, kind, helpful, loyal, honest, fun-loving, and compassionate?

The ways that people identify and speak about the self is of utmost importance. Your “I” is unique and as such open to terms that best identify your sense of self. An authentic sense of self is definitely greater than the sum of it’s individual parts or identifiers. In this sense, you likely feel that there is more to you than the terms used to identify your cultural, physical, religious, or ethic affiliations and gender. Character transcends your identity and is best understood as a qualifier rather than an identifier. Being with that individual impacted me positively because of the genuine care and concern spent trying to understand what I had in mind. Qualifiers might help guide you in your quest for candidates to date or to employ. This is especially true when you begin to describe your experience with the candidate using “I'” statements such as, “I found this person’s honesty really uplifting during our chat today”.

“The purpose revolution: How leaders create engagement and competitive advantage in an age of social good” is an excellent read for those of you in business. It provides several examples where leaders unpack what customers are really seeking, how brand loyalty develops, and why and how people decide to invest in you and your company. Much of what is written in this book speaks to human character, and the need for people to feel as though they are seen and respected during capitalistic exchanges. The traditional term might be “customer service”. When I call a number or ask a question in-person, will someone take the time to listen and assess what I need, and then help me or not? The Best Buy Blue Shirt strategy is one such example shared in the book where customer service is based on authenticity and care.

It seems that first world countries continue to progress and enjoy the liberties associated with greater wealth. As the gap between the rich and poor widens globally, governments aiming to protect the “social good” need to be more vigilant than ever before about listening to voices rising from marginal spaces. Perhaps, identity-informed character will help to lead the way.

The Purpose Revolution: How Leaders Create Engagement and Competitive Advantage in an Age of Social Good by John B. Izzo | Goodreads

Enjoy your day,

Lisa Romano-Dwyer BSc, MSW, PhD, RSW

Your personal sense of justice is typically experienced as a “feeling” that something is just not right. You probably find yourself ruminating about all the different ways that you did not deserve to be treated in one way or another. There are likely several times in your life where you may experience niggling sensations that situations or people are taking you for granted or mis-treating you. These are the times that you must listen to what you are feeling and to unpack your did I deserve that impulse more deeply.

Whenever you are stopped in your tracks at home, community, or in the workplace by experiences that make you wonder if you deserved that, your internal justice-compass has been activated or triggered. It is important to trust what you are feeling, even where you may or may not be mis-interpreting or mis-perceiving events. Your feelings will help you to further understand what about certain situations are rubbing you the wrong way.

Sometimes, these initial feelings are activated by core wounds that every person has deeply embedded in the unconscious mind. Core wounds are best understood as early childhood relational trauma inadvertently caused by parenting or child-minding practices that fail to meet the child’s emotional needs. In horrible cases, some early childhood trauma results from abusive parents or other adult caregivers who hurt children. But in most cases, core wounds are caused by normative parenting that is experienced by a child’s unmet emotional need as relational trauma – why aren’t you making me feel better?

It is only when you are solidly adulting that you begin to ask how do I make myself feel better in this situation. Where parents accept that they can only try to get reading their child’s emotional needs right, the better off everyone will be. Preverbal children communicate emotional and physical pain in the same way, and it is one of the most stressful experiences in life to settle an unhappy infant or preverbal child. There are many things that happen over the course of the day that trigger your inner child. So, accept that your sad and unhappy wounded inner child will be activated while adulting.

It is generally expected that adults can talk their way through problems. We ought to expect less from children according to their ages and ability to communicate effectively. Most children grow more sophisticated in problem solving skills as their language abilities develop. Some adults never truly harness this ability to solve problems verbally. You probably have memories of people at work or in your community who tantrum in response to problems instead of engaging in conversation about ways to move forward together. It is reasonable to view these reactions as childish and immature especially in professional workplace environments. As you learn to exercise your choices in life, your capacity to nurture and address your own inner child becomes easier. In fact, an excellent measure of maturity is this ability to meet your own emotional needs and to regulate your feelings independent of external factors that trigger childhood emotional injury.

Some of you are also wondering if the did I deserve that impulse signifies whether you are acting childish, sucky, or entitled in response to a problem situation at home or work. This is a good question to ask yourself and to explore honestly from your “all grown-up” adult standpoint. You may find that in fact your standards about how people behave are set too high. It is possible that the now did I deserve that signifies a faulty self-concept of being special or more deserving than others. This idea is also worth exploring further as you may struggle with accepting the inherent worth of all persons equally. Where you hold the view that you are more important or special than those in your workplace, you run the risk of internalizing decisions that ought not be taken personally.

On the other hand, an honest exploration of the did I deserve that impulse may reveal more troubling aspects about your relationships with people in your life. You might identify that certain people in your life dismiss humiliate or offend you on a regular basis. You might identify that some of the people in your world express a particularly triggering discourse that challenges your choice to work with them. There may be times where values in a work context simply no longer align with your personal points of view. Where this mis-alignment between shared values occurs in the workplace, the risk for workplace trauma increases. A risk of relationship trauma also increases in romantic relationships when you discover that your partner or spouse knowingly behaves in ways that trigger core emotional wounds related to lying and dishonesty, or abandonment and rejection. Discovering repetitive patterns of emotional abuse after honestly asking for a change in behaviour is toxic and often the main reason couples cannot repair problems.

The now, did I deserve that impulse becomes most powerful when it helps to discern if your workplace or romantic relationships are indeed healthy for you. It may take some time with a professional counsellor or psychotherapist for you to unpack what is really going on for you, and whether your feelings are related to historic pain or current problems. In my professional experience, everyday problems trigger old wounds that beckon for healing. Either way, your impulse to question the impact of people’s words, behaviours, and decisions on how you feel is deeply significant and as such, worthy of your attention.

Enjoy the journey of self-discovery and all that it has to offer!

Happy Easter

by Lisa Romano-Dwyer PhD, RSW