Voice is Non-Negotiable

During this fall season with Thanksgiving and Halloween events abound, there are several small scarecrows decorating the local community. It had me thinking that life might be easier, if people were simply made of straw. The inability to express challenging points of view might bring along with it a sense of peace and calm albeit in a falsely muted way.

Unlike any other time in recent history, it feels as though female voices are particularly absent from public discourse. As a junior-senior, I have noticed the rise and fall of gender based issues, especially more traditional feminist perspectives that worked tirelessly to advance the talents, wisdom and contributions of women in the workplace, economy, and elected office.

It has always been hard for professional women to be considered feminist when fights for equality in voice and deed were lumped in with important reproductive health rights like birth control. How did a woman identified as Catholic or religious ever espouse to be a feminist at the same time? Having room to participate without fully buying in on every aspect of a position is in my view an experience of personal freedom. I agree with some aspects of feminism, but not all.

In current times, it feels as though many social movements have silenced voices due in part to increasingly black-and-white discourses that inadvertently limit spaces for real inclusion and diversity of thought. The room for thinking differently was always a feature of social movements that try to speak with one voice. We seem to understand collectively that some level of disagreement was healthy and perhaps the key to advancing social movements and keeping them alive. How did women ever feel included in the feminist movement while also believing in the sanctity of human life from the moment of conception at the same time? As a woman of faith, I never felt fully represented by the feminist movement, yet I would confidently identify as a feminist.

In Indigenous discourses human babies are referred to beautifully as “sacred bundles” that were clearly expressed when challenging our government’s historical practice of forced sterilisation. Our national history around forced sterilisation is quite horrific if you are interested in learning about examples of real oppression in a Canadian context. It is important to look back at our own national history to remember how far governments can go when left without interference by the people on the ground. Our voices remain the most powerful tool to advance change and to protect what we already have.

There are multiple perspectives and voices that represent Canadian values, not just one. Newcomers often express values in session with me that reflect cultural and religious beliefs that differ from secular views that dominate Canadian perspectives at this time. They, like my younger me, are learning to occupy public spaces freely and safely exploring, questioning, and expressing differences of opinion.

At times, my work as a therapist is to encourage women to safely challenge what they experience as oppressive cultural or familial practices that silence them. Women continue to need safe spaces to think about the reasons they are feeling so unwell. Finding a counselling professional who fosters a sense of trust and safety allows women to identify and analyze family and cultural dynamics that disempower them. Despite the progress of modern times, this work with women remains both sensitive and relevant.

The idea that modern society has advanced the rights of women has sadly fallen short of the feminist promise. The right of women to think freely and critically, to grow in ways that best reflect what they need, want and deserve, and to express differences of opinion without prejudice seems weakened.

Instead, women are encouraged to support a ridiculous list of claims around reproductive health, birth control, sex and sexuality, dating and consent, ethical non-monogamy, childbirth, parenting, and more. Themes of women’s issues remain the same as those of us post-60 years of age and older remember them to be. Each big issue for women has within it space for debate. The amount of disinformation is astounding despite educational advancement.

In my private practice , I am privileged to work with a diverse group of professional women seeking mental health support. These women are well educated, highly skilled, and hard-working, and often “ready” to take an honest look at family and cultural dynamics that are classically misogynistic and clearly oppressive for women specifically.

Making personal decisions to separate and divorce is never easy, and can be especially complicated when women are saddled with cultural narratives used to keep them in unhappy and at times emotionally or physically abusive marriages.

Seems we have not really come that far after all, baby!

I am not sure how millennial women will course correct the unfortunate neglect of issues women face who feel it is simply unsafe to speak up. The feminist movement was built upon the fundamental principle that we were there to support, protect, empower and advance one another.

When I tune in to listen to women, I hear the elders speaking out like Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Oprah, and Margaret Atwood. I rarely hear intelligent younger women talking about their issues beyond health and wellness topics like perimenopause, protein consumption, ageing well, and the like. Social discourses that take on the hardcore issues like naming the societal, familial, and economical factors of our times that create the experience of far too many women at home & in the workplace to conclude “I think you like it best when I hold back on what I really want to say and think” are muted.

When you next walk past a decorative scarecrow, I hope you take a moment to reflect on how what you do silences the plight of women who simply wish to live freely and without judgement for their choices. How might you work to empower people to speak up safely on matters of importance to them, and without social repercussions like job loss or social exclusion. In my opinion, your voice is one of the few precious non-negotiable aspects of humanity that we possess. Losing voice is always too high a cost to pay for having a different point of view.

Enjoy your October!

Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD, RSW

Caring as a Measure of Success!

Over the past decade, I have noticed a significant reduction in the human capacity to care. There is likely a confluence of sociological factors that have targeted our natural instinct & motivation to care for self, others, and the world. Unlike other species on the planet, this gesture to genuinely “feel” concern is in my view the essence of humanity. Visiting a local zoo with grandchildren or friends or even solo is a good reminder of our differences from earthly co-habitants, and the importance of the caring human to strive to make the differences that make the difference in the world. Of course, when observing animal behaviour it is clear that creatures also care for their own offspring for a set period of time, but the ability to extend this protective posture to animals beyond their own pen is absent, territorial, or threatening.

There were several small experiences recently that have had me reflecting on the idea of the human care compass. Most of us are born with one. It is an essential part of healthy human attachment and survival to care. Of course, there are limits to how much one can care and where one’s capacity to care is directed or focused. It is this capacity to care that in my view has been taxed in recent times.

I wonder about the impacts of human service requests mediated by chatbots and artificial intelligence. As you read this, I am 100% sure that everyone has had the felt sense of frustration around not having an otherwise simple question answered after carefully keying in each step as directed by the automated system. I am old enough to recall times when a person would answer the telephone. So, I find myself concluding that people are far superior at answering service calls, especially when they are working in the local community where the service is provided.

It is frustrating to speak to a customer care specialist working from an off-shore location, where simple solutions are complicated by a general lack of context-awareness. One of the unintended consequences of outsourcing call centers to automated systems seems to be a generalized erosion of care. It is a logical reaction to leave these auto-service experiences with the feeling that the company simply does not care enough about your call or request for clarification or help.

Of course, there are some exceptions in care, especially when you are lucky enough to have a person answer your call. Most human customer care specialists engage in small niceties before opening up the conversation about how they might help. It is also an unexpected surprise when the person really goes the extra mile to demonstrate that they have heard your complaint or concern, clarify your confusion, or address questions about a service or product. These caring individuals listen closely to what you have to say, affirm your concerns by providing a summation of what you expressed, and validate the emotional impacts of the inconvenience or disappointment with statements like, “I am sorry that you have had to wait so long to get a response to your question”.

For those of us fifty years old and older, the evolution of the discourses in customer care has included narratives about efficiences, and a false promise to address your problems, concerns, or questions with increased accuracy and more quickly. Automated care calls were sold to us as the answer to long wait times, and misinformation created by human error. Most of us are now “trained” to listen to a list of telephonic options when making calls and “prepared” to wait in que once the correct number has been selected. The newest feature to allow “callbacks without losing your place in line” is a welcome update, as it provides you with an option to hang up on the call and get to other business while in que for an answer.

It is also extremely irritating to follow automated steps that fail to provide accurate answers to your questions or concerns. This is often the experience with online chatbots designed to help you with overly complicated platforms that simply try too hard to store too much information and diverse data. At this point in my career, I am quite familiar with a variety of different platforms designed for teaching in post-secondary settings, banking, personal health privacy management, benefit management, virtual meetings, data creation and storage, and more. In general, digital platforms are overly ambitious trying to include large and complicated levels of data. Users are typically redirected to weblinks, manuals, or instructive videos for help where the data is also not always up to date or relevant.

When I happen to encounter a person who demonstrates caring by going beyond the limits to ensure that my question or problem is addressed or compensated in some fashion, I feel such relief. It restores my view that from time to time, there are people who care enough about the frustration you are experiencing to make a difference in your experience with a product or service.

In my humble opinion, the human capacity to care is a precious commodity that will continue to be of value in a world where people and/or systems are designed to care-less. Finding a caring person is truly like finding a hidden gem in an increasingly mean-spirited world. So, when I do feel that someone has addressed my concerns with genuine care, I am careful about how I express my thanks. I recently said to a customer care agent that I was impressed with his care and attention to my concern, and for the time he spent to follow-up on my questions.

With rising costs in all areas, people are focused on notions of success that seem to be exclusively defined by financial gain. In this way of thinking, I am only successful when I earn or have this amount of money. Including your capacity to care in your personal quotient of success is equally important to health and wellbeing. Certainly, financial wellness increases a person’s ability to access services, foods, and recreational activities proven to improve overall physical and mental health. But having a health body, mind, and wallet without this human capacity to care is no measure of success in my view.

As you enjoy these remaining weeks in August, reacquaint yourself with your own capacity to care for people, animals, the environment, your community, your living environment, your neighbours, and of course yourself. Conduct an honest self-assessment of how much you can and do “care” these days, and whether you, like many other people today, feel too pooped to care, or perhaps, overtaxed in your caring roles. It is a critical measure of your wellness and success. Learning to rehabilitate your care compass is an important step in healing yourself and your relationships with others.

By Lisa Romano-Dwyer, PhD, RSW Founder, Lakeside Wellness Therapy

Is it time to rethink destination weddings?

My husband and I recently attended a beautiful traditional wedding in Windsor. The young couple represent a true story of resilience and hope. The bride’s family were supported by our local parish for one year through the private refugee sponsorship program following their need to flee Iraq. The family is hard working and successful, each in their own right.

It was truly wonderful to see how a younger couple chose a completely traditional wedding and to marry locally. The official marriage ceremony was held in their local Coptic Catholic church where family members and close family attended to witness their exchange of vows. The Bride’s family and friends congregated at her home in advance of the wedding where there were lavish Iraqi treats made available to everyone. In keeping with their heritage and tradition, the groom’s family showed up in song to ceremonially “steal” the bride away from her family.

What is most significant to me is the nod to traditionalism and heritage and the importance of same to a family who were made to flee due to war, much like most other newcomers to Canada. This young couple who clearly have worked hard enough to afford a “destination” wedding abroad, chose to celebrate in the land that welcomed them home. Perhaps this is the critical difference in newcomer Canadians who so appreciate their new home and all that it has offered them in the way of social and financial liberties. The children worked hard to educate themselves with skills and credentials to build homes and futures of their own.

In destination weddings, couples invite family and typically a smaller number of close friends. These are held in hotels and resorts on tropical islands usually set close to an ocean or sea. Friends are expected to pay for their own travel, and they are welcome to stay for a number of days at the resort with the couple after the official marriage ceremony. My husband and I have never been invited to a popular island-style destination wedding. Most likely, this is due to the fact that we tend to be on the traditional side when it comes to marriage. We believe it is important to honour traditional family and cultural ceremonies that harken back centuries.

We also believe that marriage is sacramental and as such, is actually a holy institution created by God. Truly there is a mystery in the fact that the world is full of billions of people, and yet, the heart calls for this one. As a therapist, I am well aware that not all marriages last a lifetime, and that for some, love and happiness comes later in life. What seems to be a choice, is not a choice at all, and having the option to leave is the best one for them. It is a good thing that people who remain connected to traditional religious institutions have more options than ever to divorce and marry again in the church without scandal. It was truly not that long ago that people were fired or shunned for divorce or remarriage.

At this recent wedding, we were fortunate to sit at the same table as the bride’s next door neighbours who were both born and raised in Windsor, Ontario. They expressed how lucky they felt to live next door to this family, as they had upgraded the home and keep the gardens immaculate. They also shared that local banquet halls are suffering in Windsor, and happy to have traditional large weddings like the former Italian community used to have. This comment coupled with an article in today’s Toronto Star inspired me to write this summer blog.

I believe it is time for people to reconsider using local banquet halls or hotels to celebrate their wedding. I am confident that these local establishments could certainly use the business. As it happens, my husband and I have planned a “celebration of love” with family and friends this summer to be held in a hotel banquet hall. This is a combined birthday and anniversary bash to mark several milestones at once. It is really not that costly to stay local, and the upside is that you can invite your “reliables” to celebrate with you. Everyone loves a good party!

Sadly, we have lost some family and friends. Like many of our senior friends, we have begun to attend funerals and celebrations of life for people we have loved and lost. We have planned our celebration of love in advance of the inevitable noting that we can invite and spend time with all those people who have been a part of our life in positive ways. The cost of this party is less than renting a larger cottage in Ontario for the annual summer get-away, so to us it is a good thing!

It is clear that many people are suffering with the rising costs in all areas of life, especially in areas like food and entertainment. We have lived through a few recessions during our lifetime, and seem to know how to cut corners, reduce expenses, and return to an essentials only type of lifestyle without much fuss. With our disposable income, we do our best to support local initiatives and businesses as we feel it is important to do our part to keep the health of our local communities alive and well.

Best wishes if you are planning a wedding this year. Marriage is as sweet as you wish to make it. If things do not feel as “easy” as you once thought, then connecting with a counselling mental health provider who specializes in couple’s care is a good idea.

Enjoy your summer!

Lisa Romano-Dwyer BSc, MSW, PhD, RSW