Over the past decade, I have noticed a significant reduction in the human capacity to care. There is likely a confluence of sociological factors that have targeted our natural instinct & motivation to care for self, others, and the world. Unlike other species on the planet, this gesture to genuinely “feel” concern is in my view the essence of humanity. Visiting a local zoo with grandchildren or friends or even solo is a good reminder of our differences from earthly co-habitants, and the importance of the caring human to strive to make the differences that make the difference in the world. Of course, when observing animal behaviour it is clear that creatures also care for their own offspring for a set period of time, but the ability to extend this protective posture to animals beyond their own pen is absent, territorial, or threatening.

There were several small experiences recently that have had me reflecting on the idea of the human care compass. Most of us are born with one. It is an essential part of healthy human attachment and survival to care. Of course, there are limits to how much one can care and where one’s capacity to care is directed or focused. It is this capacity to care that in my view has been taxed in recent times.

I wonder about the impacts of human service requests mediated by chatbots and artificial intelligence. As you read this, I am 100% sure that everyone has had the felt sense of frustration around not having an otherwise simple question answered after carefully keying in each step as directed by the automated system. I am old enough to recall times when a person would answer the telephone. So, I find myself concluding that people are far superior at answering service calls, especially when they are working in the local community where the service is provided.

It is frustrating to speak to a customer care specialist working from an off-shore location, where simple solutions are complicated by a general lack of context-awareness. One of the unintended consequences of outsourcing call centers to automated systems seems to be a generalized erosion of care. It is a logical reaction to leave these auto-service experiences with the feeling that the company simply does not care enough about your call or request for clarification or help.

Of course, there are some exceptions in care, especially when you are lucky enough to have a person answer your call. Most human customer care specialists engage in small niceties before opening up the conversation about how they might help. It is also an unexpected surprise when the person really goes the extra mile to demonstrate that they have heard your complaint or concern, clarify your confusion, or address questions about a service or product. These caring individuals listen closely to what you have to say, affirm your concerns by providing a summation of what you expressed, and validate the emotional impacts of the inconvenience or disappointment with statements like, “I am sorry that you have had to wait so long to get a response to your question”.

For those of us fifty years old and older, the evolution of the discourses in customer care has included narratives about efficiences, and a false promise to address your problems, concerns, or questions with increased accuracy and more quickly. Automated care calls were sold to us as the answer to long wait times, and misinformation created by human error. Most of us are now “trained” to listen to a list of telephonic options when making calls and “prepared” to wait in que once the correct number has been selected. The newest feature to allow “callbacks without losing your place in line” is a welcome update, as it provides you with an option to hang up on the call and get to other business while in que for an answer.

It is also extremely irritating to follow automated steps that fail to provide accurate answers to your questions or concerns. This is often the experience with online chatbots designed to help you with overly complicated platforms that simply try too hard to store too much information and diverse data. At this point in my career, I am quite familiar with a variety of different platforms designed for teaching in post-secondary settings, banking, personal health privacy management, benefit management, virtual meetings, data creation and storage, and more. In general, digital platforms are overly ambitious trying to include large and complicated levels of data. Users are typically redirected to weblinks, manuals, or instructive videos for help where the data is also not always up to date or relevant.

When I happen to encounter a person who demonstrates caring by going beyond the limits to ensure that my question or problem is addressed or compensated in some fashion, I feel such relief. It restores my view that from time to time, there are people who care enough about the frustration you are experiencing to make a difference in your experience with a product or service.

In my humble opinion, the human capacity to care is a precious commodity that will continue to be of value in a world where people and/or systems are designed to care-less. Finding a caring person is truly like finding a hidden gem in an increasingly mean-spirited world. So, when I do feel that someone has addressed my concerns with genuine care, I am careful about how I express my thanks. I recently said to a customer care agent that I was impressed with his care and attention to my concern, and for the time he spent to follow-up on my questions.

With rising costs in all areas, people are focused on notions of success that seem to be exclusively defined by financial gain. In this way of thinking, I am only successful when I earn or have this amount of money. Including your capacity to care in your personal quotient of success is equally important to health and wellbeing. Certainly, financial wellness increases a person’s ability to access services, foods, and recreational activities proven to improve overall physical and mental health. But having a health body, mind, and wallet without this human capacity to care is no measure of success in my view.

As you enjoy these remaining weeks in August, reacquaint yourself with your own capacity to care for people, animals, the environment, your community, your living environment, your neighbours, and of course yourself. Conduct an honest self-assessment of how much you can and do “care” these days, and whether you, like many other people today, feel too pooped to care, or perhaps, overtaxed in your caring roles. It is a critical measure of your wellness and success. Learning to rehabilitate your care compass is an important step in healing yourself and your relationships with others.

By Lisa Romano-Dwyer, PhD, RSW Founder, Lakeside Wellness Therapy

My husband and I recently attended a beautiful traditional wedding in Windsor. The young couple represent a true story of resilience and hope. The bride’s family were supported by our local parish for one year through the private refugee sponsorship program following their need to flee Iraq. The family is hard working and successful, each in their own right.

It was truly wonderful to see how a younger couple chose a completely traditional wedding and to marry locally. The official marriage ceremony was held in their local Coptic Catholic church where family members and close family attended to witness their exchange of vows. The Bride’s family and friends congregated at her home in advance of the wedding where there were lavish Iraqi treats made available to everyone. In keeping with their heritage and tradition, the groom’s family showed up in song to ceremonially “steal” the bride away from her family.

What is most significant to me is the nod to traditionalism and heritage and the importance of same to a family who were made to flee due to war, much like most other newcomers to Canada. This young couple who clearly have worked hard enough to afford a “destination” wedding abroad, chose to celebrate in the land that welcomed them home. Perhaps this is the critical difference in newcomer Canadians who so appreciate their new home and all that it has offered them in the way of social and financial liberties. The children worked hard to educate themselves with skills and credentials to build homes and futures of their own.

In destination weddings, couples invite family and typically a smaller number of close friends. These are held in hotels and resorts on tropical islands usually set close to an ocean or sea. Friends are expected to pay for their own travel, and they are welcome to stay for a number of days at the resort with the couple after the official marriage ceremony. My husband and I have never been invited to a popular island-style destination wedding. Most likely, this is due to the fact that we tend to be on the traditional side when it comes to marriage. We believe it is important to honour traditional family and cultural ceremonies that harken back centuries.

We also believe that marriage is sacramental and as such, is actually a holy institution created by God. Truly there is a mystery in the fact that the world is full of billions of people, and yet, the heart calls for this one. As a therapist, I am well aware that not all marriages last a lifetime, and that for some, love and happiness comes later in life. What seems to be a choice, is not a choice at all, and having the option to leave is the best one for them. It is a good thing that people who remain connected to traditional religious institutions have more options than ever to divorce and marry again in the church without scandal. It was truly not that long ago that people were fired or shunned for divorce or remarriage.

At this recent wedding, we were fortunate to sit at the same table as the bride’s next door neighbours who were both born and raised in Windsor, Ontario. They expressed how lucky they felt to live next door to this family, as they had upgraded the home and keep the gardens immaculate. They also shared that local banquet halls are suffering in Windsor, and happy to have traditional large weddings like the former Italian community used to have. This comment coupled with an article in today’s Toronto Star inspired me to write this summer blog.

I believe it is time for people to reconsider using local banquet halls or hotels to celebrate their wedding. I am confident that these local establishments could certainly use the business. As it happens, my husband and I have planned a “celebration of love” with family and friends this summer to be held in a hotel banquet hall. This is a combined birthday and anniversary bash to mark several milestones at once. It is really not that costly to stay local, and the upside is that you can invite your “reliables” to celebrate with you. Everyone loves a good party!

Sadly, we have lost some family and friends. Like many of our senior friends, we have begun to attend funerals and celebrations of life for people we have loved and lost. We have planned our celebration of love in advance of the inevitable noting that we can invite and spend time with all those people who have been a part of our life in positive ways. The cost of this party is less than renting a larger cottage in Ontario for the annual summer get-away, so to us it is a good thing!

It is clear that many people are suffering with the rising costs in all areas of life, especially in areas like food and entertainment. We have lived through a few recessions during our lifetime, and seem to know how to cut corners, reduce expenses, and return to an essentials only type of lifestyle without much fuss. With our disposable income, we do our best to support local initiatives and businesses as we feel it is important to do our part to keep the health of our local communities alive and well.

Best wishes if you are planning a wedding this year. Marriage is as sweet as you wish to make it. If things do not feel as “easy” as you once thought, then connecting with a counselling mental health provider who specializes in couple’s care is a good idea.

Enjoy your summer!

Lisa Romano-Dwyer BSc, MSW, PhD, RSW

The question of why bad things happen is a consistent one in counselling psychotherapy. Why’s are mostly triggered when rough things happen. When individuals experience exciting new events there is little less wonder as to the why. In general, people tend to think that they earned all the good that has happened in their lives. In this simplistic childlike approach to life, hard work generates success and rewarded successes increase success in turn. There is a naive assumption that life is fair and good, and that with a little bit of luck people can push themselves towards achieving their personal goals.

As a therapist-coach for pros, I have had the privilege to speak to so many successful people who have achieved many things in their lives that they set out to do. High performers and leaders tend to be perfectionists who work hard at ensuring their personal and professional successes. So, when life goes a little less than expected, it is often extremely challenging to individuals who have a long track record of achievement. Challenging events create schisms in this simplistic assumption that hard work is always rewarded.

The leadership literature in politics and business often highlights experiences of “failure ” as case examples of resilience, flexibility, and progress. The view seems to be that leaders rise through the challenges of failure in human character demonstrating what other people find most admirable during difficult times. It is these attributes that attract the general population who turn to people of strong character to take the lead and to lead them.

Strong leaders do not falter in their deep-seated sense of morality, values, and fairness during tough times. They continue to work hard for themselves and others consistently without losing critical attributes of human kindness, fairness, and inclusivity. It is how leaders respond and react to failure that sets them apart from others. There is always a decision involved in choosing who people want to lead them. In the workplace, you may not turn to your boss as your leader, but a colleague or peer whose work ethic and professional style aligns better with your own. This idea of “leading” from the middle or behind is a true phenomenon in the workplace, especially where good leadership is questionable or anemic. Turning to natural leaders among you can be a survival method that people rely on when working in environments that have promoted bad leaders.

When life takes a turn towards the difficult, people begin to wonder more deeply about the why and the bigger purpose of the failure or stop-gap in their otherwise successful track record. Why did I not get that sought after promotion at work but someone else from my team did? Why was my performance rating at work well below my expectations? Why did I get laid off from work? It can take a long time to reconcile decisions in the workplace that create deep injuries in truly high quality workers. Moral injuries in the workplace are real, and these happen when decisions are made that run contrary to what the majority and perhaps even science views to be wrong or unfair.

An easy example of moral injury is the complete bastardization and misunderstanding of the intelligence quotient (IQ) in education. I personally witnessed my esteemed colleagues in cognitive psychology come under attack for their work to explain the validity and reliability of certain tests used in assessing children in public education. It was truly a sad day when the science behind assessment was dismissed as erroneous even after critical updates had been made to ensure that cultural and racial factors were addressed. Despite the opinions of the learned, policies and practices were changed to respond to angry parents who believed suspiciously in a systematic agenda to hold certain students behind at school.

In the personal sphere, “whys” are often triggered by unexpected tragic life events that happen. Questions like, why did my spouse stop loving me? Why did I suffer another miscarriage? Why did I have a heart attack or get cancer? Why did my partner die so young? Faced with personal tragedies, people often question themselves, the people in their lives, and at times, the very reasons God might have allowed these things to happen. Wanting to know the “reasons” for human suffering is part of the healing journey for individuals with a faith in God, and for whom spirituality is important. There seems to be a desire to understand why a loving God would allow human suffering to happen at all, and question the providential wisdom in growth through suffering or pain.

Much like childbirth itself, human life is physically, emotionally, or mentally painful some of the time. As a therapist, I think a spiritual examination is an important aspect to explore in your journey of healing. There are likely events in your personal life that have disrupted your plans or dreams, and that created a list “whys” for yourself. Your spiritual reflections may in fact deepen your faith in God, and help you to better understand your own purpose in this world, and how you and every single person has the potential to make this world a better place.

As Bell stated, when one door closes, another one opens. Developing a growth mindset for life can include a posture of acceptance of God’s reasons for hardship in your life, reasons that you may never really fully understand, but do propel you to move in new directions. The key in life is to keep on learning, growing and creating a trajectory of living that makes you and your loved ones happy and healthy. By asking yourself, how did I help to make the world a better place each day, you might gain a deeper clarity on your role and purpose in life.

Do. Think. Feel Well.

by Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD, RSW