There is an old adage that triggers many people the wrong way. Often misinterpreted as an expression of judgement, “you made your bed, now lie in it”, is a phrase that many of us fifty years plus heard our parents say. When used wisely, this 16th century French idiom was intended to heed a gentle warning about the consequences of personal decision-making and the reality that there are always impacts, intended or otherwise of choices we make on others. Latin-based languages generally embed a nuanced metaphoric flare in choice words, so there is no accident that the French centralized the bed and the bedroom in personal decision-making. The history of morality, which in essence is the ability to make good and right decisions for yourself and the people you love often focuses on human passions. It is not as difficult to make a personal decision when you are neutral or unaffected by the consequences. It is only when your own personal human passions have been ignited to engage in a behaviour that might have significant consequences on your life and future that your moral compass becomes aroused.
I am certain as I write today’s Christmas blog that many of you have raised your eyebrows and sighed at the mere mention of a moral compass. Many of you doubt that you have one, and some of you who have rejected “institutional religions” attest that morality is simply a way for large rich organized religions to control you. Used in this ironically and rejectingly righteous way, some of you have tried to silence your moral compass as an act of personal freedom. A more modern term used to describe your moral compass today is your “gut”, as in I had a gut feeling that this would cause a problem in my life.
There is an actual diagnostic category for moral injury. Gabor Mate’s book, When the body says no, builds on the bio-psycho-social-spiritual work of Van der Kolk’s seminal text on trauma, The body keeps the score. Both medically trained scientists describe ways that the human body, as much as your conscious mind will hold on to stress created by witnessing or engaging in activities that cause moral injury. This is a personal reaction that warrants your attention, as it may continue to cause harm unless otherwise treated with a trained mental health provider. The field of psychosomatic care has grown exponentially over this past decade.
As someone with close to forty years in the field providing direct mental health care, I never thought psychosomatic theories would renew. The body of work in psychosomatic theory had already been chastised mostly by women for victim-blaming. There have been generations of abused women suffering from hosts of psychosomatic illnesses viewed as mysterious or neurotic where symptoms were treated without ever addressing the problems of early childhood abuse, or domestic violence. I address this ethical dilemma in my clinical practice by using the term holistic care wherein your body is as important as your mind and spirit in understanding what is happening to you when triggered. It is critical that mental health providers have trauma-informed perspectives that gently, yet directly explores any early childhood abuse or present-day harm in a person’s life. It is truly a failure in care when clinicians misunderstand the root causes of distress.
I do have bias about the importance of human morality and the need for people to have a deep and clear relationship with their own moral compass. Your sense of morality, that is your desire to do the right thing is not only motivated and shaped by religion. It is also shaped by social norms, culture, and socioeconomic class. I do privilege the perspective that your relationship with your moral compass is created in your early childhood when protective and nurturing adults impose limits on what you might like to do, mostly based on risk of harm to self and others. When nurtured lovingly, early childhood is the time humans learn to be careful with the self and others, and equally importantly, to make decisions that include the wellbeing of the other.
Here are some ways to reacquaint yourself with your own moral compass this holiday season:
- Pay close attention to what triggers your sense of “right and wrong.” It might take some time to understand that this is your moral compass communicating to you.
- Be mindful of the who, what, where, why and when you are feeling this sense of something being done correctly or not. It might be as simple as, the gift he gave was cheap or I can’t believe she made that homophobic remark.
- Review events in your mind after celebrations have ended and ask yourself how you feel about your own conduct with family and friends. Did you over-indulge in food or drink or say something that you regret?
- Stay present and accept your role in your family and friends noting that everyone’s moral compass is affected differently, and that it is not your job to act as a morality officer correcting every faux pas that we as humans generally do when we gather together.
- Grow in comfort with your personal sense of morality and allow yourself to become attuned to what and how doing the right thing impacts your overall sense of self.
This year, some of my family have decided to celebrate Christmas in Rome. We will delight in the beauties of this ancient city, and enjoy all of the Italian food and comforts during our stay. We hope to see the new Pope Leo in St. Peter’s square on Christmas day, and honour what having a pope in Rome from the new world signifies globally. We look forward to exploring La Befana Market in the piazza Navona. We envision attending Christmas Eve Mass in a little less known church somewhere in the city, and quietly honouring the birth of a man, Jesus who we continue to believe is the son of God gifted to make humans and the world a better place.
Sincerest wishes for a peaceful Christmas and New Year,
Happy Holidays!
Lisa Romano-Dwyer PhD, RSW