One of the many benefits that happens naturally when raised in a larger than average family is an implicit sense of inclusion and inclusive behaviours. During post-war Toronto, it was somewhat common for working class families to have many children. There are many sociological explanations for the average size of families in those days related to immigration patterns, staunch religious beliefs, and Canadian values of the time. Immigrating to Toronto was “no picnic” for most post-war European newcomers, especially for those people whose language was something other than English. There are several generations of Torontonians raised during this period, and many of whom like me continue to live in this city.

Recently the mayor of the city announced that within the next few years, one in five Torontonians will be over the age of sixty-fives years old making up twenty percent of the city’s population. This is an amazing resource of people with a true sense of history and commitment to all those aspects that make Toronto work so well. For those of you reading this blog, you are likely familiar with Toronto’s Diversity and probably embrace it. Sure, it is an expensive city, so continuing to live here post-retirement reflects your choice to stay.

The city’s immense diversity is an authentic point of pride for those of us who “love” Toronto. There are many communities associated with particular socio-cultural groups whose migration histories are reflected in these familiar spaces. In Toronto, diversity is more than an idea or concept, it reveals itself in real ways in real spaces. Depending on where you live, shop, attend school, work or play, you are surrounded by so many options to buy merchandise, eat foods, learn more about or engage in theatre or entertainment from around the globe. This city diversified a long time ago, and newcomers continue to benefit from the welcoming encouragement we give to one another for trying to settle locally.

As Toronto copes with massive amounts of snow this winter, and extremely cold temperatures, most of us know and believe that a healthy thawing is just around the corner. Soon, the grass will return to a darker shade of green, the trees will once again bloom with buds, blossoms, and leaves reminding us that life has been here all the while. The warmer temperatures and longer days will beckon us to return to the great outdoors. Often referred to as a city within a forest, Toronto has so many amazing parklands in almost every community to enjoy with family, neighbours, and friends. Soon, you will once again run into and meet up with strangers, acquaintances, and neighbours.

You will have the opportunity to take note of the people who share this city space with you and more importantly to convey a sense of genuine warmth and care to them as fellow citizens. Of course, there are people who walk on the wrong side of the street, cut in front of you while you are minding your own business, privilege their dog’s comfort over your own, and annoy you in other ways as well. These gentle provocations may serve to remind you about your personal freedoms and the role of dissenters in ensuring there is room in society for difference. For example, there are countries in the world where people are suppose to walk within lines on the sidewalks painted by the government, and it seemed to me that no one veered off the painted pathway. I wondered then what might happen if I walked outside those lines, but did not dare as I was a visitor.

Shockingly, the term “fascism” has been reintroduced into everyday parlance. Some people speak about workplace environments and managers as “fascists” drawing on examples that fail to leave room for worker accountability. In this light, it was surprising to hear people complain about changes in the workplace when some people were in the habit of regularly defying the rules. A simple example of this was the automation of staff cards that opened doors to a workplace and provided a time-stamped record of begin and end of day activities. For individuals who arrived at work early or on-time, and also ended their day according to their contract, this new technology was not perceived as a “fascist” update. However, for those employees, some with legitimate reasons notwithstanding, who pushed the time limits of the work day, this type of technological advancement was interpreted as an attempt to control workers on the ground.

For those children, now seniors whose parents came to Canada from post-war Europe, the rise in fascism was in part the reason people set off for the new world. So, when people get in my way and interrupt my movement around the city, I reflect on what people are trying to convey and the reasons they feel it might be necessary for all of us to pause and think about what is going on beyond the city of Toronto.

Growing up in a relatively large newcomer family in Toronto, I do not find it challenging to welcome newcomers. In fact, I feel quite happy when I stroll along Taylor Creek Park or the beach and see so many families enjoying picnics together. Many newcomer families, like mine was, are large. The children play together joyfully while the adults chat and prepare food for everyone. There is a lot to learn about the new cultural heritages of the people who now also call Toronto home. It is an exciting time of hope and growth in the city and the new world. As you prepare for the kinder weather and you begin to think about sharing a picnic with friends or family, check in with yourself to see if you feel there might be room at your table for one more.

by Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD, RSW

There is an old adage that triggers many people the wrong way. Often misinterpreted as an expression of judgement, “you made your bed, now lie in it”, is a phrase that many of us fifty years plus heard our parents say. When used wisely, this 16th century French idiom was intended to heed a gentle warning about the consequences of personal decision-making and the reality that there are always impacts, intended or otherwise of choices we make on others. Latin-based languages generally embed a nuanced metaphoric flare in choice words, so there is no accident that the French centralized the bed and the bedroom in personal decision-making. The history of morality, which in essence is the ability to make good and right decisions for yourself and the people you love often focuses on human passions. It is not as difficult to make a personal decision when you are neutral or unaffected by the consequences. It is only when your own personal human passions have been ignited to engage in a behaviour that might have significant consequences on your life and future that your moral compass becomes aroused.

I am certain as I write today’s Christmas blog that many of you have raised your eyebrows and sighed at the mere mention of a moral compass. Many of you doubt that you have one, and some of you who have rejected “institutional religions” attest that morality is simply a way for large rich organized religions to control you. Used in this ironically and rejectingly righteous way, some of you have tried to silence your moral compass as an act of personal freedom. A more modern term used to describe your moral compass today is your “gut”, as in I had a gut feeling that this would cause a problem in my life.

There is an actual diagnostic category for moral injury. Gabor Mate’s book, When the body says no, builds on the bio-psycho-social-spiritual work of Van der Kolk’s seminal text on trauma, The body keeps the score. Both medically trained scientists describe ways that the human body, as much as your conscious mind will hold on to stress created by witnessing or engaging in activities that cause moral injury. This is a personal reaction that warrants your attention, as it may continue to cause harm unless otherwise treated with a trained mental health provider. The field of psychosomatic care has grown exponentially over this past decade.

As someone with close to forty years in the field providing direct mental health care, I never thought psychosomatic theories would renew. The body of work in psychosomatic theory had already been chastised mostly by women for victim-blaming. There have been generations of abused women suffering from hosts of psychosomatic illnesses viewed as mysterious or neurotic where symptoms were treated without ever addressing the problems of early childhood abuse, or domestic violence. I address this ethical dilemma in my clinical practice by using the term holistic care wherein your body is as important as your mind and spirit in understanding what is happening to you when triggered. It is critical that mental health providers have trauma-informed perspectives that gently, yet directly explores any early childhood abuse or present-day harm in a person’s life. It is truly a failure in care when clinicians misunderstand the root causes of distress.

I do have bias about the importance of human morality and the need for people to have a deep and clear relationship with their own moral compass. Your sense of morality, that is your desire to do the right thing is not only motivated and shaped by religion. It is also shaped by social norms, culture, and socioeconomic class. I do privilege the perspective that your relationship with your moral compass is created in your early childhood when protective and nurturing adults impose limits on what you might like to do, mostly based on risk of harm to self and others. When nurtured lovingly, early childhood is the time humans learn to be careful with the self and others, and equally importantly, to make decisions that include the wellbeing of the other.

Here are some ways to reacquaint yourself with your own moral compass this holiday season:

• Pay close attention to what triggers your sense of “right and wrong.” It might take some time to understand that this is your moral compass communicating to you.
• Be mindful of the who, what, where, why and when you are feeling this sense of something being done correctly or not. It might be as simple as, the gift he gave was cheap or I can’t believe she made that homophobic remark.
• Review events in your mind after celebrations have ended and ask yourself how you feel about your own conduct with family and friends. Did you over-indulge in food or drink or say something that you regret?
• Stay present and accept your role in your family and friends noting that everyone’s moral compass is affected differently, and that it is not your job to act as a morality officer correcting every faux pas that we as humans generally do when we gather together.
• Grow in comfort with your personal sense of morality and allow yourself to become attuned to what and how doing the right thing impacts your overall sense of self.

This year, some of my family have decided to celebrate Christmas in Rome. We will delight in the beauties of this ancient city, and enjoy all of the Italian food and comforts during our stay. We hope to see the new Pope Leo in St. Peter’s square on Christmas day, and honour what having a pope in Rome from the new world signifies globally. We look forward to exploring La Befana Market in the piazza Navona. We envision attending Christmas Eve Mass in a little less known church somewhere in the city, and quietly honouring the birth of a man, Jesus who we continue to believe is the son of God gifted to make humans and the world a better place.

Sincerest wishes for a peaceful Christmas and New Year,

Happy Holidays!

Lisa Romano-Dwyer PhD, RSW

Today in the Toronto Star newspaper, I was glad to read an article about one local school board’s decision to re-instate a system based on merit for acceptance into specific specialized programs. Some of the controversy dates back to 1987 when the “cutting edge” TOPS program was created at Marc Garneau high school in Toronto. The TOPS program was designed for children who showed great promise in math and science-based courses. Initially, students were accepted into the program if they had the “grades” to support their intellectual prowess, scientific curiosity, and community involvement. Over the years, there were many contestations about notions of elitism in education, particularly when it seemed that certain groups were excluded from participating in exclusive programs. In response to demands for equity and fairness, the board opened up specially designed programs to everyone and offered spots based on a lottery system. Suffice it to say, that today the board had to humbly announce that there has been a dramatic change in student engagement and participation in aspects of the program.

It has always been difficult for parents of bright, very bright, and gifted children to have the needs of their children recognized in local systems, mainly because their numbers are fewer. Most discourses related to neurodivergence seems to be exclusively used for people struggling to learn, behave, or socialize. Intellectual giftedness is also a neurodivergence that warrants deeper understanding at a pedagogical level. Super processors and problem solvers have unique sets of challenges that are created in systems of learning that fail to fully appreciate how smart people learn and need to learn individually and in groups. It would seem to me that supporting the needs of bright children would benefit our society as much as it does to support children who struggle to learn. Understanding “Giftedness” as Neurodivergence — Prism Advocacy

As a clinical social worker, I am growing weary of what seems to be the persistent exclusion of bright, very bright, and gifted children in child-based articles. Having close to thirty years of social work experiences in Elementary and Secondary Schools, I can attest to the growing attack on “intellectual quotient” in education. It is sad that most people continue to misunderstand valid and reliable measures of intellect, and the exceptional learning needs of children who grasp concepts quickly. There are individuals who learn things with great ease, and who can play with new information in truly innovative and creative ways.

Over the years, many concepts have been contested, and most with good cause. Particular populations had felt excluded from specialized programs designed for gifted students. Perhaps, the TOPS program example here in Toronto will jog our memories about the importance of ongoing quality assurance and evaluation methods implemented with regularity to ensure premature claims that systemic changes are effective. The lottery system was introduced to address complaints about equity and fairness as people began to generally fail to believe in the merits of students who had been successfully accepted into the program based on academic achievement. It seems to me that rule abiding students have suffered since the late ’80’s as well. In my experience, the majority of students are pleasant and compliant, even at post-secondary and community college levels. Students who work to submit their assignments on time, show up to class, and meet the behavioural expectations of the classroom, are somewhat taken for granted and overshadowed by the demanding needs of the “difficult” learner. The systemic obsession with the difficult learner has short changed children who simply do what is expected of them at school. It may have also snuffed out the creative spark of several gifted children who were not admitted to the TOPS program due to chance. We will never really know the full cost of this consequence to our city.

For the past seven years, I have been working with high achieving professionals and their families. High Achievers are generally interested and engaged in most areas of their lives. In general, they have a strong super-ego, and feel a sense of responsibility for others and projects that they oversee. High achievers are quick at identifying problems, and open to solutions that make sense. They are collaborative and creative, and typically appreciate counselling or coaching services that help them to gain clarity about less than great situations at work or home. Similar to bright, very bright, and gifted children, high achieving professionals with long track records of accomplishments have exceptional needs in the workplace that may also be overlooked by the demands of difficult colleagues whose incompetence or challenges arrest the attention of supervisors and managers. Work with high achievers is also highly rewarding as they grasp concepts very quickly, and mobilize into action and self-care without much fuss.

I also think that by restoring a place for merit-based perspectives and practices at school, people will reacquaint themselves with the value of a job well-done. The notion of merit means many different things, but to me it includes the idea that one has “earned” a grade, the job, an award, or a spot. It implies that an individual has put some effort into doing something that others also assess has been difficult or hard to do. There is a common “sense” or social cache to a job well done, especially when the problem to solve was quite challenging.

Re-creating space for a job well done holds the promise that people will once again be able to discern value and quality in performance, productivity, and outcomes. It may also restore the view that there is always a small group of people who are genuinely better at something than you might be. Its a tough pill to swallow, but one that is better learned young. Growing appreciation in the value of other people’s gifts, talents, and accomplishments inspires hope in the ability of people to freely choose wisely despite distracting challenges or chaos.

Do. Think. Feel Well.

Lisa Romano-Dwyer MSW, PhD