Your Authentic Self

Self-actualization happens when you realize your full potential.

Life is a journey of self-discovery. Some people are fortunate to meet soulmates who enhance your life as it unfolds, and the lives of other people who journey alongside you at school, work, home, or in your community. There are people you meet who will intrigue you, and draw you into their lives. There are many others you will forget or who will have little to no impact on your life. The complexities of social relationships are profound. The complexities of intimate relationships are even more profound.

Close emotional friendships are intimate ones. Sharing personal experiences, perspectives, and feelings with trusted friends is sacred – acts of trust not to be betrayed without great disappointment and emotional injury. To share information with a trusted friend is an act of faith that demonstrates your confidence in your friend’s loyalty, care, and commitment to the history you have shared together, and the future you hope to share as you age.

A trusted confidant will reveal even their deepest secrets with you knowing that you will respect and honour that the story belongs to you and that you will not take liberties to share it with others. Not all intimate relationships are sexual in nature. It is possible to have deep close emotional attachments with friends without these relationships ever becoming sexual. Intimacy by definition refers to the “closeness” of relationships, not the activities in which people engage in with one another. It is possible to have sexual relationships that are devoid of intimacy. In the same way, it is possible to have friendships that are kind, caring, and perhaps even loving, but qualitatively less intimate or close than others. Some friendships are based on similar interests and hobbies where you gather with one another to play a sport, listen to live music, or visit a gallery. You may have many friends to call upon to join you in recreational activities, but still feel lonely or as though something is missing.

Close emotional relationships usually develop through progressively deeper conversations with one another that include discussions about your perspectives on things, and how you feel about them. Long-term intimate relationships grow increasingly closer over time as you and your friend share more and more about your life with one another. The ability to maintain long-term intimate friendships as your own self-awareness deepens is a special experience. Where your friend also happens to be your spouse, lover, and co-parent, the depth of intimacy may also begin to feel spiritual and mysterious in nature.

When you arrive at a stage in your life that validates your full potential at school, work, business, family and relationships, you enter a developmental phase referred to as “self-actualization”. In this phase, you no longer need validation from people around you to feel important, visible, or seen. There is an internal sense of self-worth, belief, and confidence that grows healthy and strong when you are able to enjoy and appreciate the fruits of your own labour. Success becomes a measure of personal bests, rather than merit ascribed by someone else through processes of evaluation that often feel inauthentic.

Celebrating your experiences of personal bests will result in improved mood, improved relationships with self and others, and a general increase in feelings of happiness and joy. Self-actualization feels good. Having close friends who journey towards self-actualization with you doubles the joy. Conversations move from ruminations related to feedback from colleagues, bosses, or friends, to deepened self-awareness and reflections about what you need, want, and deserve in your lives. There is less time spent on trying to unpack feedback from the social noise created by jealousy, envy, and ignorance, and more time talking about the good stuff of life, and sadly, as we age and lose people we love, the hard stuff too.

Shedding a layer of inauthenticity and secrecy may take time in psychotherapy with a trusted, skilled, and insightful clinician. Some people spend years lying to themselves about duplicitous affairs at work or in life. Finding safe spaces to release feelings of shame associated with years of lying, stealing, or cheating is a perquisite to self-actualization. Your authentic self deserves liberation from layers of deceit and shame. Your intimate friends and closest loved ones deserve the authentic love that flows from a soul freed from the shackles of injury caused by years of misguided feedback, poorly graded or wrongful assessments of your productivity or value on a team, or the serious problem of relational or emotional abuse caused by bullies at work who want your job, and who chase out high quality candidates through intentional backstabbing, relentless attempts to irritate and bother you, and mean-spirited interference or theft of exceptional work obviously superior in quality.

Only you will know when you have met your full potential. You will feel empowered and content with your authentic self. You will apologize less for your weaknesses, past regrets or failures, and grow in self-compassion and love. The inner harsh critic will vanish almost completely, replaced by a nurturing self-accepting and loving tone. You will value yourself more, and not be so shaken or upset by the feedback, especially maligned from others – who will never truly know you as well as you know yourself. In truth, you have always been the most qualified to assess your own best self and accomplishments. It is important to know your own mind, and to never lose sight of your own authentic sense of self.

Dr. Lisa Romano-Dwyer BSc, MSW, PhD, RSW

Self-Concept Layering and Unlaying

Sediments of Self-Concept

The foundation of your self-concept is based on layers of internal and external messages and beliefs you hold about yourself. Initially, your self-concept it based on messages you received from primary caregivers. Where babies are highly valued and treated with love and care, each developmental milestone is met with praise and celebration.

Infants in more challenging situations where parents are distracted by financial, emotional, physical, employment, or health issues, important developmental gains are missed altogether or neglected, thereby diminishing a child’s sense of competency and self-worth. Babies in challenging homes learn that there are more important things for parents to be concerned about than them.

Years of research on emotional abuse has shown that negative deficit-based parenting styles result in long-lasting scars that impact one’s sense of self in all areas of functioning. Where an individual is raised without realistic praise for small and large accomplishments, there is less belief in one’s ability to succeed at school, work, personal and social relationships, as well as in love.

Realistic praise, opposed to inflated or false praise refers to “good job” rewards for actually doing something well. Young children given praise for activities or jobs that they really did not do so well, sets them up for poor self-assessment skills in future. Children who do not have a realistic sense of what they are good at and not so great at, will have more difficulties accepting limits placed on them by others . In these cases, a person’s self-assessment fails to align with the opinions of others, which can be very frustrating and upsetting for everyone involved. It is far better to have realistic perspectives about your abilities and competencies, so that your goals in life are achievable. Where you struggle with generating a list of competencies – that is – “all those things I am good at“, then you may need to work with a registered mental health practitioner to uncover them.

Early sedimentary layers of self-concept become the baseline or foundation upon which additional layers are formed by others and yourself. Where injury occurred in infancy or early childhood, and your belief system was founded on a very negative list of your inabilities and deficits, you more likely to suffer from a deflated sense of self-competency, poor self-esteem, and diminished self-worth.

An early start in life that only caught you doing the wrong thing, pointed out your failures, and punished what are truly age-appropriate mistakes is an unfortunate recipe for poor self-esteem, learned helplessness, and in some cases delinquency and sociopathy.

Children raised with messages that encourage, nurture, love and grow healthy self-concepts based on any and all demonstrated strengths and competencies, thrive in adolescence and adulthood.

Of course, some children are more resilient than others. More and more research shows there is a bio-psycho-social underpinning to resilience that is partly inherited as well as nurtured. Teaching children to identify, accept, and love all aspects of themselves is easy when parents fully love and embrace the beauty of each child – no matter their limitations. So, even where children have significant developmental disabilities such as autism, intellectual, or learning disabilities, their self-concept is strong, accepting, and positive. Children raised in loving homes with consistently loving and nurturing messages view themselves in the same way. In this regard, self-concept is not injured by constitutional disabilities, but by the messages from others made in relation to them. “Autism makes you weird.” “You are stupid because you go to the special education class.” “You are ugly because you are fat”. “You were raped because of how you dress”.

Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) is a relatively newer intense model of intervention that can help you to uncover the micro-sediments that support your views about yourself and the value you place on them. Your self-concept is made up of your beliefs and values about yourself, which may or may not reflect reality. Learning more and more about yourself is a wonderful journey of discovery that is best supported by an impartial mental health expert. Teasing apart the intersectionality of perspectives, layers of self-doubt, and sediments of personal loathing is a fragile exercise that may result in real changes to your life that you do not expect like letting go of some friendships jobs, or partners for example.

People in recovery from addictions to drugs and/or alcohol slowly regain healthy perspectives that unlay years of negative messaging from others that they have been carrying around for years. Renewed sobriety yields clear headed perspectives unclouded by the fog of substances, and opens you up to those people and things in your life that you really need, want, and deserve.

Allowing yourself to get what you need, want and deserve in life is the ultimate goal in addictions recovery, wellness coaching, and psychotherapy. What layer do you need to unlay before moving forward? What can you do to balance negative, and perhaps untrue perspectives about yourself that hinder your overall wellness and joy in life?

Do. Think. Feel Well. You deserve to be happy & healthy.

Lisa Romano-Dwyer BSc, MSW, PhD, RSW

Building Personal Boundaries

Know Thyself

The environment naturally creates boundaries that clearly delineate where one ecological system begins, another ends, and where two or more systems intersect or overlap in points of convergence. A shoreline is a simple demonstration of natural boundaries that demark land from water and water from sky or air. When you begin to take note of your local natural environment, you will find several examples of boundaries that can help you to deepen your understanding of an important clinical concept referred to as a personal boundary. Where your counselling, coaching, or treatment goals include improved self-care, strategies that build your personal boundaries will become greater.

One of the most exciting aspects of a personal emotional journey is the depth of self-knowledge that you will discover anew. Partnered with a seasoned and skilled clinician, recovering from emotional injury, an episode of mental illness or addiction, or trauma is possible. People do recover emotionally, and so can you. Depression, anxiety, post-trauma stress disorder are all treatable conditions.

Although social media and digital technologies have facilitated new and exciting ways to meet people, many individuals are feeling more and more anxious and depressed about work, personal and social relationships, and a growing reliance on substances such as alcohol, marijuana, or videogaming to cope. There are no real limits to the online world. The world wide net or internet is available 24/7, easily accessible, and open to people from around the globe. The integration of digital tools and the internet or intranet into all aspects of work, school, and community has lengthened the work day offering employees to log-on and complete tasks from earlier in the day or week. It has also made it easier to bring more and more of your work into your home, and perhaps, your social recreational time.

As you learn to navigate a virtual world without limits, the need to create personal boundaries has grown exponentially. You may experience a loss of self-confidence that results from poor limit setting on your time, or personal information shared online, or dating apps. Often denoted as “real” relationships, friends are individuals with whom you have spent some time getting to know on a face-to-face, or heart-to-heart basis. Relationships, like people are fickle things. Sadly, more and more people are experiencing changes in “real” friendships based on comments, or posts made online. There is a growing number of young people who have suffered emotionally due to the social exclusion created by the phenomena of cancel culture and ghosting. The depth of emotional injury caused by extreme forms of ostracization is evident in many young people seeking counselling support and treatment. These are particularly damaging social behaviours that signal a young person’s need for support and guidance around moving forward without “old friends”.

The pandemic has expedited the world’s adoption of virtual platforms and technologies in all areas of life including professional, academic, medical, and community-based services. The promise of technology continues to offer the work world increased flexibility and efficiencies. It also increased your risk to work longer hours and to over-disclose personal information. These techno-risks do become negative habits that may spill-over into your social media use and in-person social skills as well.

Cultivating a clear personal boundary evolves over the course of your life. It requires a sound understanding of what you need, want, and deserve in life. Drawing a line with people in your life who regularly correct, challenge, or criticize you is a good thing. Where people sharing your life journey lead you down an all too familiar road that results in self-doubt, an erosion of self-esteem, or diminished self-worth, then it is likely time for change. A dead end friendship, like a dead end street cuts you off from the joys of everyday living, your inner gifts, and from exploring and growing in new and enriching ways.

You will know when it is time to strengthen your personal boundaries by the ways you feel. Trusting that lingering self-doubt after a gathering of friends is a simple indicator that one or many of your friends or co-workers may have gone too far in their treatment of you. It is worth taking the time to create some distance from people who regularly wound your core values, belittle projects or events that you hold in high regard, take your support and care for granted, or nurture your needs and wants far less than you deserve. Putting a pause on relationships that you feel are too demanding, overwhelming, taxing, or needy will allow you the space and time to gain clarity on what might be going on.

You may discover that you have engaged in co-dependent dynamics with many of your close friends over a number of years, habitually putting your friends’ needs before your own. During this period of pause, you might engage in books written on co-dependence, emotional abuse, early emotional trauma and attachment disruption, such as Jackson MacKenzie’s Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse. In this book, the author re-introduces an ancient idea that by discovering your own inner light and peace, you no longer require other people to enjoy your life fully and to feel good.

By healing your inner emotional injuries, your personal boundaries will fortify thereby reducing or preventing further injury by people who regularly transgressed them in the past. By accepting and trusting your feelings fully, you will grow to identify roads that lead to health, wellness, happiness, generosity of spirit, and good will.

Do. Think. Feel Well.

Lisa Romano-Dwyer BSc, MSW, PhD, RSW